2 min read

thought patterns i've noticed in my head

thought patterns i've noticed in my head
Photo by Ryan Byrne / Unsplash

sometimes i am lucky. my mind is able to be mindful and i let go of the current thought.

i think one of the following productive thoughts:

  1. why am i suffering for this now? it was in the past, or it will happen in the future. i'll suffer for it then. let me enjoy the present.
  2. ah, it's that social anxiety again. my mind is engineered to give me social anxiety, so i don't get ostracized by the tribe, which used to equal death.
  3. ah, a desire. why do i want this? oh, i was just exposed to a trigger in the environment that produced this desire.
  4. ah, i feel quite emotionally attached. or i just feel bad. breathe. let it go.
  5. ah, i feel frustrated, specifically impatient. breathe. wait.
  6. ah, i feel dull. oh right happiness is a choice. smile.

let's tie these in with examples.

sometimes i leave work and i'm worried about getting all the work done i need to, or doing well enough at work. then i think why am i suffering for this now? i shall suffer for it once and for all tomorrow morning. but not now.

sometimes i say words that aren't well received. maybe i disagree with someone. or simply am not sure if i've won them over. i have a slight irritation on my mental landscape. this is exacerbated in groups, with new people, and for me, with members of the opposite gender. ah, it's that social anxiety again. the mind is engineered to give me this.

sometimes i hang out with people that are quite well dressed and find myself plotting in bed how i will improve my appearance. or i hang out with startup founders and think oh, maybe i should do a startup again! ah, a desire. comes from these triggers in my environment.

i'll shop online and i'll get attached to an item. recently, air force ones. i'll feel an emotional attachment to the shoes and feel the need to buy it. or i'll get attached to a song, and will stop work to listen the song. ah an attachment. breathe. let it go.

sometimes the internet doesn't load quickly and i actually notice some micro frustration. i notice my impatience. i breathe.

sometimes i will feel dull. oh i haven't felt good lately. what can i do to be happier? oh i should hang out with friends more. i should meditate more. wait. i should be happy now. happiness is a choice. smile.

i find it absolutely insane how before i meditated, these thoughts would balloon into something that would take up the whole evening.

  • i would get attached to an internet rabbit hole and spend hours browsing or shopping.
  • i'd feel bad after a social interaction and subconsciously end up journaling for an hour on how i could do better.
  • i'll be exposed to a trigger for a desire and i spend all night thinking how i can complete it.

one of the most powerful things with meditating is noticing the thought patterns that pop up in your head.